


Apple Pie and Chevrolet

by verasummers



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, Body Image, F/F, F/M, Gender Issues, Homophobia, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Non-Hunting AU, Sexuality Issues, Step-Brothers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-21
Updated: 2014-09-11
Packaged: 2018-02-09 18:30:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 12
Words: 21,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1993296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/verasummers/pseuds/verasummers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam Winchester was nine years old when the second biggest change of his life happened. Shortly after his ninth birthday his father returned from a business trip with more than the usual t-shirt and postcard souvenirs.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Summer '92

**Author's Note:**

> The rating may change, more tags will be added later. This is my first posted fan fiction, so I am sorry if it's terrible or if I'm slow or eventually freak out and just stop writing it. I'm using it as a sort of personal therapy so please don't be too hard on me. :]

Sam Winchester was nine years old when the second biggest change of his life happened. The first was a little over a year prior when his mother had finally lost her struggle with cancer… that’s an important story too, but we’ll save it for later. Anyway, shortly after his ninth birthday his father returned from a business trip with more than the usual t-shirt and postcard souvenirs.

“Sam.” There was something in his father’s voice that let Sam know the conversation was serious. He hadn’t gotten bad grades and Uncle Bobby, the man who watched Sam while John was out of town, hadn’t had any real complaints. Sam was a good kid, great grades and head usually tucked between the pages of a book. His biggest problem was that he didn’t like to go to bed when his book was interesting and he was smart enough that sass unfortunately came naturally. His father wasn’t looming though; he was instead crouched down to Sam’s level, looking his son in the face. It gave Sam uncomfortable memories of conversations about sickness and dying and even though he knew it would only irritate the man, his lips began to quiver with barely repressed emotion.

John cleared his throat, apparently having trouble figuring out how to say what he wanted to say to his son. “Sam, I’ve decided that we’ve been alone long enough. And no, before you ask, I didn’t get you a dog.”

His father’s voice was just exasperated enough to make a laugh come out from between Sam’s tightened lips. Even though he wasn’t sure what was going on, if his dad could roll his eyes at him things couldn’t be too bad. “I want you to be nice and open minded, okay? And I promise that this will always be your home and you’ll always have your own space and I will still love you okay?”

His father was being stern but also worried and Sam loved him so dearly in this moment that he had to throw his arms around the man, his hero. He buried his face into his father’s shoulder and nodded. “Of course Dad. I love you too.” The man didn’t smell like whiskey and his face only tickled a little when his stubble ran over Sam’s face as he turned to give his son a kiss on his forehead, hugging the boy back before pulling him away to see him again. He looked him over for a second before standing and going to the door. He opened it up and gestured for someone to come inside. Before Sam could get excited enough to ignore his father’s stern face and just go out and see for himself, the door was opening again and there was a woman standing there.

She was pretty; blonde like his mother had been before the chemo had taken her hair, and rounded with what Sam had learned from his friend Amy’s mom would someday be a baby. She was only interesting for a minute though because right on her heel was a boy. He was a little bigger than Sam, his hair was sun-bleached and his skin was absolutely covered in freckles. “Sammy, this is Kate and Dean. They are joining the family.” Sam looked up at his father, unsure but trying to keep the open mind he’d said he would. 

“Hi Sam. It’s so nice to finally meet you.” _Finally?_ Sam had only just found this out but apparently there had been planning time that he was unaware of. He looked at –Dean- and wondered how long the other boy had known before him and it made him feel angry. Before he could do anything about it though his father cleared his throat and he looked back to Kate who was holding out a hand for him to shake. He knew better than to be rude so he took her hand and shook it. “Hi.” He felt suddenly shy about her. It had been a long time since he met a woman who was not a teacher. His father sometimes had people over on the weekend but they always left early or seemed embarrassed to see him, never saying anything to him. He suddenly wanted nothing more than for her to like him. Dean made a sound, possibly a scoff or something, but Sam just ignored him and gave his best smile to Kate. He was missing a couple prominent teeth, but they were growing in and the dentist said he might even be lucky enough to escape braces if they kept coming in so well.

\---

John and Sam had helped carry in the black bags full of things, separating them between one of the spare bedrooms downstairs and John’s own room. Sam was then allowed to begin moving his own things into the other room downstairs, across the hall from Dean, emptying out the room he had been in across from John’s for the ‘nursery’. He was pretty sure that meant it was for the someday baby, but he didn’t really care because it meant that he was a big boy and he and Dean could just share the den downstairs and they would even have their own bathroom. 

Dean was gone a lot at first. He had friends who would come by and then he would just disappear for hours and hours. Sam made himself indispensible to his new stepmother, helping Kate with anything he possibly could around the house. He was actually pretty good at it considering his age… he and his dad had been on their own for a while, with his mom being sick and then gone, and John was pretty neat, a remnant from his time in the military probably.

He found out that Dean was eleven, but all of his friend’s were older. Dean’s father was in prison and had been for quite a long time, but no one would tell Sam why. Dean’s eyes were a shade of green that Sam had never seen before. Dean liked to lay in the backyard in his swim shorts on the Adirondack chair but he hated being sprayed with water from the hose and wouldn’t hesitate to take Sam down for it, roughhousing in a manner that Sam wasn’t really used to, being a bookish only child. 

Dean always had his door shut but one day, a week before school started, Sam burst in without knocking, way too excited. John had gotten him the newest SNES game, a multi-player racing game called Super Mario Kart but he told Sam he had to share with Dean. Dean was sitting on his bed reading and Sam had never seen him doing that before. Dean slammed the book shut and shoved it under the pillow as soon as he noticed Sam but it wasn’t before Sam saw the cover. “Is that Mariel of Redwall? Man I love those books. I don’t have Salamandastron yet but I put it on my Christmas list.” Dean gave him a stony look, trying to put Sam off, but the younger boy couldn’t stop beaming at him. “What do you want?”

“Oh! Dad bought us Super Mario Kart, do you wanna try it?!” Sam jumped up and down while he talked and though Dean tried to look annoyed it was obvious that he was pretty interested in the new game. He let Sam babble about it for a few minutes before finally sliding up off his bed, his young limbs somehow so much more sinuous and graceful then the flailing things attached to Sam’s body. “Sure.” He said simply and he was so cool and awesome and Sam’s face was practically split in half he was smiling so hard as he led the way down the hall to the den. He set the game up and sat down with Dean on the loveseat, the chair would have put him at an angle to the TV. Dean didn’t say anything except “I’m first player” as he snatched the controller but Sam just smiled. If he could convince Dean to play other games with him he wouldn’t mind being second player, he’d always liked Luigi, green was his favorite color and his dad had always been first player when they used to play together.


	2. September

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The school year starts, and Sam and Dean get closer after something changes the family dynamic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This life has made Dean a very different guy than he is in the show, but there are still things about Dean that make him Dean… the point of view I have chosen doesn’t necessarily allow us to see that so well. I hope that it isn't too terrible. 
> 
> Also warning for an off screen character death. I hadn't planned for it, but it worked better than the way I was going to do it originally. :/

Although they were two years apart in age, Sam and Dean were both starting the fifth grade that year. Sam had skipped kindergarten, already knowing everything and Mary had argued that although his social skills might suffer surrounded by older kids, they might also suffer when he was so far ahead of his peers. She had wanted to test him in further but John put his foot down, they had compromised on one year. Dean had been held back a year, Sammy never found out which one or why. Dean was sensitive about it, Kate said. It wasn’t their business what happened before, only that they make Dean feel at home now, his dad said. Dean said words that would have gotten Sammy’s mouth washed out with soap so he knew the other boys was serious and let it go. 

Dean was starting at a new school because of the move but somehow he still managed to make more friends than Sam. They were in different classes so they didn’t have to interact much. Sam’s friend Amy had moved away over the summer so he was stuck trying to meet someone new to spend lunch with. It turns out that Mrs. Turner was the best he could manage. She was a mousy woman with glasses and she probably understood all too well why Sam spent every lunch that she wasn’t in a meeting in the classroom helping her clean up or grade papers. 

At home things were tense. John didn’t stop working just because he had a wife again, and Kate was due in September. Sam was picking up more and more of the slack around the house but he didn’t mind because Kate smiled at him and John ruffled his hair in thanks. Dean helped sometimes too but mostly he was gone with his new friends as much as he could. And when he was home, Sam was much happier to have someone to play video games with than worrying about how Dean’s slacking would make more work for Sam later.  
\---

They turned the nursery into a home office. 

Kate locked John out of the bedroom. John went to the bar and came home stinking of whiskey and threatened to bust the door down. Dean, who hadn’t been let in either but hadn’t left the hall since she disappeared, stood tall in front of a furious John Winchester, his chin lifted defiantly even as he tried to hide his flinch when John moved. John turned and punched a hole into the opposite wall before going out to the garage and climbing into the impala, tearing out of the driveway with way more noise than was necessary.

Sam had listened from the bottom of the stairs until his dad left. He could hear Kate crying through the ceiling in his bedroom. He heard every time Dean knocked on the door and tried to get her to let him in, let him get her something, let him help. Every time he apologized like he’d done something wrong even though it hadn’t been his fault. Sam went to the front door and stood, listening for something. Maybe he thought he’d be able to hear the sound of squealing tires, of metal crashing and know. Be able to prepare himself. He stood in the entryway with all the shoes and the coats and shook like a leaf. He’d never been so scared in his life. Why did his dad just leave him here with these people who were still so much strangers? If he died out there in that car who would take care of Sam? 

“Sam?” While Sam had been standing by the door for who knows how long, Kate must have finally decided to open the door. She stood at the top of the stairs in a nightgown, hair a mess and eyes red-rimmed, with Dean a pale shadow at her side. “You can come up here sweetie.” He just shook his head. Kate sighed and she and Dean went back to the bedroom but he didn’t hear the door shut. He didn’t know how long it was before he heard the familiar rumble of the impala but once he heard the garage door begin to fall and the heavy foot falls of John’s boots heading toward the house, Sam fled back to his room.

He couldn’t hear the exact words but John and Kate were talking and twenty-three minutes later Dean was pushing himself through the door that Sam had attempted to barricade shut using dirty laundry. He looked exhausted but Sam still thought there was something amazing about him. “C’mon Sam. They want to talk to us both.” And even though he was still shaking with fear and rage and too many other emotions for 3 in the morning, Sam could never have not done what Dean asked in that tired, quiet voice.

They’d almost had a brother. But God or whoever had different plans for him apparently. They were all going to make it through though, no one was leaving (except John had hadn’t he, but Sam kept his mouth zipped tight). John and Kate wanted Dean to think about letting John adopt him, becoming a Winchester. John and Kate wouldn’t be mad if they missed the bus to school in the morning, they’d call in with their excuses. John and Kate were going to go on a honeymoon and Uncle Bobby was going to watch them. John and Kate had all these things to tell them and Sam just let it all wash over him. They were all on the enormous bed in the master, John and Kate propped up on their elbows to look at the boys, Dean lying with his head on his mother’s hip. Sam sat on the corner, hands clasped together to hide their shaking and when they offered to let them just sleep there, turn the television on maybe, Sam hopped up, said he wanted his own bed but thanks anyway. He didn’t miss the bus to school because he hadn’t managed to go to sleep or to stop feeling too many things.

When he got home John and Kate were out somewhere but Dean was in Sam’s room waiting for him. Sam ignored him after Dean didn’t say anything and put his things away, pulling out his homework and sitting down at his desk. He couldn’t get anything done though and finally turned around to look at Dean. “What do you want?”

Dean looked shy and it wasn’t a look Sam was used to seeing on the other boy. He liked it though, it made him feel like for the first time he had the upper hand. It soothed whatever beast was still raging from the night before. “I got the new Redwall book.” And Sam thought he might tackle the other boy and start beating in his face. It was an extreme reaction and Dean would probably kick his ass but that’s how he felt seeing Dean dangling the book there in his face like a red flag to a bull. But then Dean was holding two copies and all of the fight went out of the younger boy. “I got one for you too, thought we could read it together.” He shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal, like it wasn’t the first time Dean had really made an effort to open himself to Sam. Sam grinned and suddenly the absolutely worst day was becoming one of the best. He hooped up onto the bed on the other side of Dean and opened his copy of the book. He wasn’t even upset that Dean had defaced the inside cover because he’d done it to write in Sam’s initials. 

“Thanks Dean.” Sam said and while Dean just rolled his eyes and told him to “shut up and read” the older boy was smiling. They settled into the pillows and Dean was in chapter two before he noticed the weight of Sam’s head on his arm wasn’t moving and was in fact beginning to snore. He hadn’t gone to school that day but he figured he could use a nap too and settled in as much as he could without disturbing Sam.   
\---

After that they were home alone a lot more. Uncle Bobby watched them when it was an overnight thing, like the honeymoon, but for the rest of the time they must have decided that Dean was old enough to watch over himself and Sam. Kate began to go to the bar with John on the weekends. And she went sometimes when he was out of town too. Sam was already used to helping her with the house from the time when she was pregnant and although there was no baby to take care of he just continued to do so while she set up some sort of consulting or something business in the home office. Dean began to let Sam help him on his homework, and if sometimes that really meant that Sam did it and Dean copied it down so they would have more time to play games and read together… Sam didn’t realize what kind of a disservice he was doing his new brother.


	3. Fifth Grade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first winter holiday as a family. As things begin to settle, relationships grow.

There hadn’t been a Christmas the year before. Not like some weird anomaly had made the day disappear or anything extreme like that… it just hadn’t been the normal Christmas. John and Sam had decided together that they weren’t emotionally capable of putting up the tree and all of Mary’s decorations. They exchanged gifts and watched television together while eating pizza from the only delivery place open in town that day. It was terrible but they were together, even if John went to bed early and Sam was up all night reading, unable to sleep, until he lost the fight with his tears and finally passed out near dawn.

This year would be different. Not in the way that was intended at first of course. There was still the strange weight of missing baby on the house and even though Kate and Dean were there it was still difficult to get into the holiday season without his mother’s soft alto humming Christmas music before Thanksgiving even had a chance to come around.

Dean and Kate didn’t have any decorations with them. It made Sam wonder more about the life they had left behind to come live with them, but he had learned not to ask, instead to just listen to all the little clues that Dean sometimes let out when they were alone. It didn’t feel right to pull out the old decorations either though, so they started from scratch. A new family, a new set of holiday decorations. Maybe someday they would go through everything and Sam would mesh the memories of his childhood into one, or maybe they’d stay packed away until he had his own home… it didn’t matter. 

Sam looked up at the sage-like Santa at the top of their tree and felt a pang of loss. Angels were noticeably missing from their decorating theme and Sam didn’t know if John had requested that or if it had just happened naturally. He didn’t want to ask. The lights were brightly colored and racing one another across the tree, the strings timing was off and John would probably go mad later fixing them. There weren’t any presents underneath it yet either. But it was nice… not the same but nice. Sam turned around and saw Kate crying into Dean’s shoulder. Dean who was eleven but stood so tall sometimes, like he was a man in a boys body. Like he had to be strong to carry some terrible burden. Nothing at all like the boy at school with the loose smiles and crowd of brainless sycophants. When Kate stood up and wiped the tears away, smiling a shaky but genuine smile and Dean’s shoulders relaxed just a tiny bit… Sam thought it might be even better than nice, maybe it would be good.

Sam hadn’t believed in Santa for a number of years but it was tradition to hang stockings and write letters for presents anyway. Dean complained loudly of it’s stupidity until John’s voice called out from the other room that “boys who don’t believe in Santa don’t get presents from him” after which he complained much more quietly. They were old enough to move past the tradition but it seemed to add silliness to the holiday, which both parents thrived on, so the boys played their parts.

Each of the adults took the boys on separate trips to make sure that everyone got a present from everyone. When Sam went with his father he picked out a customizable necklace with a moon and two stars. He chose a garnet for one star and a sapphire for the other, explaining that they were the birthstones of Kate’s children. John wasn’t sure about how well the gift would be received but he was sure that his son’s heart was in the right place. He was also just a bit sad that he didn’t consider himself to be one of Kate’s children. He’d thought the two got along well, but he supposed it would take a bit more time for Sam to fully integrate with his new family. Shopping with Kate was more difficult because his dad wasn’t the guy who needed more ties, and all of his tools were in perfect shape. He ended up getting the man a new waffle iron because while Kate and Sam did most of the cooking, John’s Saturday breakfasts were his pride and joy. 

He got new games for Dean. One-player games so it wouldn’t look like the gift was actually for himself, and even the kind that he wouldn’t really want to play that much anyway but he knew Dean would like. Senseless violence instead of puzzles, that kind of thing. He hoped that Dean would like them and that he would play them with Sam in the room to watch, even though he’d just pretend to read a book, instead of just playing them with his loud, mean friends.

Christmas day went over well. Santa brought the boys bicycles, which defeated the purpose of stockings (but those were full of nuts and candy and oranges, all of the oranges somehow ending up with Sam’s things by the end of the day). Sam was excited even though it would be months before he would actually get to ride it anywhere. He also got new clothes, new books, new toys, and a really cool journal from Dean with a dragon on the front. Dean’s sloppy script had written his initials on the inner cover again and there was a note on the first page too. ‘Write down some of those ideas you have, some of them aren’t too stupid.’ Sam wouldn’t let anyone else read it and kept the journal with him after he’d put all his other things away. 

They weren’t having prime rib, which was what his mom had always made for Christmas, instead they were having ham. Sam liked the sweet glaze that Kate used and John was happily discussing all of the sandwiches he could take in for lunch. It was a great holiday.

On New Years Eve John promised he and Kate would be home from their party in time to watch the ball drop with Sam on TV like he had every year. When the ball dropped for the fourth time, showing for some other time zone like Alaska or something, and the tears were pressing hard and hot on the back of Sam’s eyes and throat, Dean grabbed Sam’s hand and pulled him down the stairs and into Sam’s bed where they curled up together. Dean didn’t say anything about the wet spot on his shirt from Sam’s crying. It wasn’t such a great holiday. 

The next day John didn’t apologize but he did make extra blueberry pancakes which were Sam’s favorite and he didn’t yell at Dean when the older boy gave both adults the cold shoulder all day after he caught a glimpse of Sam smiling at the older boy in gratitude.

\---

John began something like father son time, taking the boys singly and spending some time with them. It was every other Saturday afternoon, depending on what the plan needed. Sammy and John went to the arcade one time, blowing through fifty dollars in quarters. Sam won enough tickets for the giant slinky that he gifted to Dean after trying it out on a couple flights of stairs to ‘make sure it worked’. Another time they went to a go-cart course and Sam was just tall enough to go alone but he still squeezed in next to John for the last go around. 

Dean and John made one of their days a morning tee time on the golf course. Another time they went to the shooting range. It was good because these were things John had always wanted to do with his son but Sam had never shown much interest. The shooting range wasn’t too loud for Dean. And the only thing Dean didn’t like about golf was that he wasn’t old enough to drive the cart yet. 

Dean and John also started to spend some time in the garage together. Sam thought maybe he should be jealous but Dean didn’t cuddle up to John during scary movies, or fall asleep with his head on John’s knee during whatever sport was on the TV so it didn’t really affect Sam. And Sam thought that it was good for Dean. He didn’t mind sharing John with someone who needed him. Besides, he was getting a mom out of the deal too. Sam wasn’t sure how to talk to Kate about things like he used to do with his mom, but she did show him how to make lasagna, and cook a white fish. 

School was going well. Sam had straight As which was normal. Kate was not as impressed at the third quarter conference when the same grades happened. He heard her say something about it being almost pointless to show up just to hear about how perfect Sam was. He hoped that was a compliment. All of Dean’s grades were passing now with the extra homework help he was getting from Sam and he even had an A in Social Studies. Everyone was thrilled. It was more impressive, Sam guessed, to see improvement than to see the same grades every time. But how was Sam meant to improve? He sulked a bit about it later in the week but no one seemed to notice. He spent most of his alone time writing down ideas in his journal anyway.


	4. Summer '93 pt. 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam's journal ideas become something for the boys to pass the time with, and for once they -both- have a new friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slowly but surely we are getting closer to the rating going up on this story. I think it's best to warn for more instead of less so I'll risk hinting at things a bit to make sure everyone that keeps reading knows what they are getting into.
> 
> Obviously there will be an underage relationship. It's as consensual as any underage relationship can be (which is to say, not at all really, but between the two...) There are issues of gender identity, sexuality, and body image that start to filter in and become more prevalent throughout. 
> 
> Obviously this is a non-hunting AU, but I do abuse the canon a bit by commandeering it for the boys to play with. There will be more warnings with the next chapter and I'll try and add tags as necessary.

With the summer came more changes, but smaller ones. Sammy turned ten. The school year ended. Dean’s swim shorts made a reappearance even though they were a bit too small this year. Dean seemed comfortable in clothes that fit too tight or too big, cast-offs or thrift store finds in a way that Sam never was. He liked to get something new from the store. He hated it when his sleeves were too short or when the other kids asked him if he was preparing for a flood in his high waters. Dean made it seem like the other kids were missing out on some trend, Sam wished he could be that cool.

Dean’s friends were around a lot less in the summer too. Going away to camps or family things or whatever, so Sam got to spend a lot more time with him. He realized that Dean wasn’t just a cool guy to envy at school but he was just awesome all around. He actually asked about the things that Sam was writing in his journal about. He gave ideas and had honest conversations with him about them, like Sam wasn’t just some weirdo he had to share a house with.

The bikes they got for Christmas got a lot of use. They were allowed to go out further and longer when they were together. Dean was even starting to warm up to the idea of pretend games, even though he claimed they were for babies. 

“So we hunt monsters?”  
“Yeah. Like werewolves and other mythological beasts. Maybe all of them have human forms or spells or something so people can’t tell what they are unless they know what they are looking for.”  
“And we ride bikes to do this?”  
“Well no, we’re grown so we probably have a really cool car. Like a convertible or something!”  
“Or the impala. I would totally drive too. And never let you touch the radio.”  
“What?! Dean, you like old music like my dad! You guys get CDs at PAWNSHOPS!”  
“Sammy, I heard you singing baby got back in the shower, you have absolutely no musical taste to speak of. SO. We drive around in the impala and listen to something awesome like Led Zeppelin and hunt werewolves. Why do we do that?”  
“I don’t know yet. Maybe they killed someone we love. I’ll figure it out.”  
“Okay. You know what would make it better?”  
“What?”  
“If you were a hot chick instead.”  
“DEAN!”  
“What? Come on Samantha, you could totally pull it off.”  
“Ugh, whatever.”

\---

One day they came home from a bike ride and there was a boy sitting at their dining room table reading ‘The Shining.’ He had dark hair that hung about his head like a floppy mop that made Sam self-conscious for him, reaching up to adjust his own mop. John came into the room just as they were all staring at one another. He chuckled at the odd scene and ruffled the first head of hair he came across which happened to be Dean’s. Dean shrugged off the attention but smiled anyway. 

“A friend of mine has his kid in the summer now. We were talking about how hard it is to find friends in the summer and how you all are around the same age. Figured it would work out pretty well. Dean, Sammy, this is Jimmy. I’ll leave y’all to it then.” And he left, apparently assuming that they would all just magically become friends. 

“Dude, is that a Metallica shirt? Awesome.” Dean was sitting at the table with the new kid before Sam even had a chance to digest that John was apparently going to keep bringing weird people around and expecting him to just adjust to it. He looked over and noticed that Dean and Jimmy were talking happily and they didn’t really look like they needed him at all. He knew he was being jealous and unfair but he didn’t care. He didn’t even know who he was jealous of, Dean for being able to just make friends like that, or Jimmy for taking Dean’s attention. It was always like that though, when Dean had other options. Sam went to his room and began to write out some of the ideas Dean and he had discussed on their ride today. 

While he was flipping through he looked at the page where he’d written ‘girls?’ and then crossed it out. Maybe he’d really have to consider it. Sure, he couldn’t really BE a girl, but he could act like one a little bit for the game and then maybe Dean would be interested in it more than some dumb blue-eyed kid. Or he would make fun of him until the end of time.

\---

Sometimes Dean locked the door to his room. Sometimes he got letters and packages. Sometimes he talked on the phone with his family in the master bedroom where Sam could hear even though he wasn’t trying to. He sent his Christmas presents back, claiming that he wouldn’t take things that would be used against him later. He kept a shoebox on the top shelf in his closet that had ‘DAD’ written on it and crossed out. Sam tried not to look envious when Dean got a Gameboy in the mail for getting good grades or something, and kept it because it was from his grandmother and he wouldn’t get any guilt about seeing them because he had made plans for a weekend in August. 

Dean had gotten another letter and he was holed up in his room with the faint sound of metal drifting underneath his door. Sam went out to get a gallon of milk from the store. Kate was in the office with a client and John was out of town. Sam really wanted cereal. When he got back Jimmy was sitting on the front porch.

“Hello Sam.” Sam nodded his head and brushed past Jimmy into the house to put the milk away, he kicked the door open behind him though, not wanting to be rude. He figured Jimmy would just head downstairs and somehow con his way into Dean’s room in some magic way that Sam could never do. He didn’t expect to see the dark haired boy taking a seat at the table and looking at him. 

“I know we haven’t talked much, but I thought we could be friends too. Dean and your dad both say nice things about you and I saw your bookshelves, we have things in common.”

Ignoring for a moment that Jimmy was apparently snooping around in his room, Sam couldn’t help but just snap back a bit, he didn’t know why everything was setting him off so easily but he couldn’t take it back once it was out. “Why don’t you just go hang off of Dean or something?”

Jimmy looked at his hands, clasped on the table. His voice was quieter even than usual and Sam had to strain to hear him. “Dean yelled at me.” The other boy was older than Dean by a year, making him three years older than Sam, but he just looked so pathetic in this moment that Sam couldn’t help but feel bad for him. He knew how hard it was to take Dean in one of his moods, it was best to just stay out of his way. He’d come around later and be extra nice in apology.

“Do you want some cereal?” Sam asked instead of saying anything else. When Jimmy nodded, he got two bowls ready and joined him at the table. They actually did have a lot in common and they talked for a long time. Jimmy even helped Sam with the dishes, doing the drying which Sam hated. When Dean was over his sulk he found the two of them in deep discussion about winged creatures, dragons, griffons, angels, etc. He frowned at them and Sam just made a funny face back at him and offered the bowl of chips which had replaced the cereal from earlier. Dean took a chip and a seat at the table, joining the conversation with a loud opinion in favor of humanity and guns. Suddenly they were a trio.

\---

“So why wouldn’t we just kill you then?” that seemed to be Dean’s stance on everything. His character was a bit more flat than Sam was really comfortable with, he’d learned from his teachers that characters should be well-rounded with developed motivations. 

“For one I am way too powerful for you to kill.” Jimmy was pretty proud of his contributions to their game. His character wasn’t a hunter like them but an Angel. He’d even looked up some pretty cool lore to go with the background. It also gave them a reason why Jimmy was gone if Dean and he wanted to play during the school year or when Jimmy was busy with his family. 

“But at some point we are going to have to kill some Angels, so why don’t we just kill you then.”

“Because he’s a good guy Dean! We don’t just kill everything that’s different! We just kill bad guys!” Sam was exasperated. He had ideas. Ideas for his character that he was almost certain Dean was never going to be able to let him explore the way he wanted. That was okay though, he’d already gotten permission from the other two to use any game ideas in the stories he wrote. So he could just play with the stuff there and make sure that Dean had enough fun with the game to not just quit out on him.

“Fine. Let’s just get started.” Dean got up from the table, leaving the other two to gather up their notes and props, and headed outside.


	5. Summer '93 pt. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summer continues and Sam picks a path he doesn't know the consequences of, or even his own motivations for.

“So you seem to know a lot about Angels.” Jimmy and Sam were sitting at the dining room table. It seemed to be their usual haunt when it was just the two of them. They’d done the dishes and wiped down all the flat surfaces and were now eating popcorn out of a large bowl settled between them. Sam laughed at Jimmy’s statement, getting used to the odd way that Jimmy started conversations, but his smile was a tiny bit tight around the eyes.

“Pot, kettle man.” He said, affecting the casual comfort he usually had with those close to him. Jimmy was apparently not fooled because he continued to look at Sam with his ridiculously blue eyes, just looking. When Sam didn’t give in, Jimmy pushed. It was a bad habit, but hopefully it wouldn’t set Sam off.

“My family has always been pretty religious, some parts more than others. It was easy to do a little research and get enough for the game. It doesn’t really seem like that… around here.” Jimmy gestured around. There weren’t any religious ties to the room now that it wasn’t actively Christmas and they’d never had to miss hanging out for church, so it was a reasonable question.

“Uh, my mom. She was the one with faith. She wasn’t pushy about it or anything and Dad. He wasn’t really into that so when she died…” Sam didn’t get to talk much about his mother anymore. It felt weird to talk to Dean or Kate about it, like he didn’t want them around or was clinging to the old family instead of embracing the new. He didn’t want to bring it up to his dad either, didn’t want to make him sad. Sam didn’t have anyone else to talk to besides Bobby, and he felt like he’d done enough of that while it was happening, that he didn’t need to abuse the man’s kindness by carrying on about it when it was over.

Sometimes though it built up inside of him and he wanted to scream out with the way that it still hurt. With the fear that somehow he wasn’t going to remember her because he wasn’t able to talk about her, wasn’t able to see her at all in the house she’d raised him in. At first, when Jimmy had brought up Angels as a possibility, Sam had been worried that it would be too hard, but it felt nice. It made him feel close to her again in a way. 

“How did she…?”   
“Cancer.”  
“Oh. I… I’m sorry.” Jimmy looked so uncomfortable and Sam coughed out a laugh past the ball of fresh grief and tears that had formed up in his throat. Other people’s grief was hard to deal with, people were always unsure if they should empathize or sympathize and how much is too much and has it been long enough or whatever. Maybe they just don’t really care at all and it’s just awkward. Sam didn’t think Jimmy didn’t care though so he smiled at the other boy, a trembling smile that was harder than it should have been.   
“It’s cool Jimmy.” And Sam wanted a hug in this moment so bad, but he just couldn’t reach out for one. He knew he’d end up crying and that would just be too awkward for them. 

\---

“Casteel!”  
“It’s Cas-tee-el.”  
“Why do you have to have such a stupid name anyway?”  
“He’s the angel of Thursday, Thursday’s are awesome!”  
“Besides, at least his is creative!”  
“Oh yeah? How creative is JARED?”  
“It’s not my OWN name DEAN!”  
“Well my name is just too awesome to need changing.”  
“Whatever.”  
“Oh come on Sammy…”  
“Maybe I’ll think of something different for the next one, okay?”  
“Fine.”  
“God, you’re such a bitch.”  
“Jerk.”  
Jimmy could barely stifle his laughter. That would just set them off again and at least now they were smiling at one another.

\---

When Sam looked back on this time of his life he wasn’t completely sure what the order of things actually was. He didn’t know which action caused which reaction, which move led them down the path they took. He couldn’t figure out who had started it either, or if it was a conscious decision on either side. 

He was the sort of person to reflect though, even when he was only just a bit older than the time he was reflecting on. He liked to try and dissect his own motivations, but even when he was being completely honest, digging as deep as he could, he couldn’t get it completely clear.

He did figure that part of it was probably that he had never had a lot of friends. He’d grown up an only child and he was close with his mother but then she was sick and gone. His father worked hard and he played hard as well. They didn’t have too much in common except that they were both stubbornly fond of different things, and while they loved each other they weren’t very good at understanding one another. This all lead to Sam being very attached to the friends he did have. At ten, with his childhood best friend having moved away, it boiled down to Dean and Jimmy. 

So he was possessive of their time. He understood when Jimmy had to do things with his family, and when Dean had things to do with his mom or with John. Sam even tried to be interested in the things that Jimmy and Dean liked that he wasn’t so sure about, so he wasn’t left out. And when Dean wanted to just lay out in the sun, or play his Gameboy, Sam felt like he needed to somehow make himself more interesting. Maybe he really didn’t need to, but he was worried that Dean would suddenly realize he’d been wasting all this time playing with his dumb little stepbrother. It was irrational, but he couldn’t help it, especially not after the fact.

Dean didn’t always want to ride their bikes around chasing invisible monsters. Sometimes he just wanted to go to the local diner and people watch, or he just wanted to stay at home and chill. So Sam thought he might kill two birds with the same stone. He could add different elements to their games, expand his repertoire and keep Dean’s attention as much as possible.

So he made new characters. He made a bad guy. Brady was fun until Dean was taking a faux swing at him and Sam accidently moved into it instead of away and ended up with a bloody nose. It wasn’t quite as fun after that. Sam pushed through though, enjoying the physical aspect sometimes, and the way that Dean would get so into it, even if it was sometimes a touch too mean and Sam had to remind himself it was a game.

He tried a few other options, other hunters, other monsters. He even got Dean into it, trying on different roles. It was strange to try and see someone else, but Dean was good at it. Putting on enough of a persona that Sam could almost pretend it really wasn’t his stepbrother there. None of them had any staying power though and Sam eventually got up the courage to try out a girl. If Dean made fun of him, he would just laugh it off and claim that he had just been trying to see what Dean would do. He honestly didn’t know what other reaction there could possibly be, or what he would do if Dean didn’t laugh.

So Luci was born. She was eighteen, just like Dean’s hunter (they didn’t want to be too old!) and she had shoulder length hair that curled a bit with a bit of red. Dean blinked at him as he laid out his ideas, but he didn’t say anything to stop him. Sam carefully didn’t look at Dean’s skin, freckled from the sun exposure, and hoped his blush was hidden under the tan the summer had given him. Luci was cool. Her father had been kind of controlling and when she’d stood up to him, he threw her out of the house. She ended up going through some scary stuff out on the streets until she found a white witch who gave her some protection and took her in as a sort of apprentice. She was really good and decided to take her knowledge and do good with it. Her definition of good was more vigilante like a hunter, but she didn’t think that it was only supernatural people who were bad.

He’d put a lot of thought into her, but maybe none of that was necessary. Even at twelve Dean was quite a charmer and suddenly, all of that was turned onto Sam. Even though Sam knew that Luci would have been used to that from guys, he wasn’t prepared and flushed hotly. Dean chuckled at him and Sam swore he could hear the low tones of the eighteen-year-old rough ’n’ tumble hunter rather than the regular Dean whose voice was only just starting to change. He tried to channel Luci, but she was new and different and… maybe she would be pretending to be flustered, letting Dean think he had the upper hand.

He reached up, twirling a lock of hair around his finger and tilting his head the way he’d seen girls on TV do. Even as he was doing it he wondered when Dean was going to break character and laugh, or tell him they should just go inside and play Mario kart or something. Instead Dean stood up, suddenly closer to where Sam had been leaning against the outside of the house.

Normally Sam liked to plan out the general idea of the scene they were going to do. If one of them fell out of character they could reset and try it again, or if they didn’t like how it went, if it felt too forced, they would rework the ideas. This was just going for it though, taking the limited idea of the characters and running off the cuff. Dean was in his element with ‘scenes’ like this one, his best ideas came out of just running with it instead of brainstorming like Sam and Jimmy. This was Dean’s game right now though and Sam wasn’t in any frame of mind to call for a pause and talk it out. If he stopped now he’d never have the courage to try it again.

“You look like the kind of girl who knows what’s going on.” And Sam wanted to call foul. Dean couldn’t just suddenly know about his character! He got to reveal her past at his choosing, not just suddenly be put on the spot by a young hunter. But then he realized Dean wasn’t calling out a fellow hunter; he was chatting up a potential witness. Sam could pick the case now, give hints about why he was here. He was too flustered to think of anything though as he realized Dean’s arm was now propped on the wall, leaning Dean over even more into his space. 

“Normally I would say yes, but I’m new in town. Not really got my bearings yet, ya know?” And Luci let herself shrink a little into the space that Dean was limiting her to. She obviously didn’t know that Dean was a hunter either, so she was also using a tried and true technique for questioning witnesses. Dean smirked at her, and Sam thought it might be because he’d blown his chance at controlling the mission they were on. 

“Odd sort of place to move to. Little town in the middle of nowhere.” Dean was doing remarkably well at playing a twofold game. He was leading Sam, giving him hints to some of the ‘cases’ they’d discussed previously, as well as attempting to lead Luci into implicating herself in something. If Dean ever picked a career path, Sam thought he might want to consider a detective of some sort. 

“Who said move? I’m not nearly ready to settle down yet.” Sam could hardly believe the ease with which Luci’s subtle flirting came out, but it felt good too and the shock he spotted in Dean’s face before the role came back on was worth the embarrassment he could feel crawling up his spine. It made him brave, and Luci too. “Although I have heard they make a real nice pie.” With that she slid out from the space Dean had pressed her into, brushing him a bit more than necessary and then headed inside. 

Dean followed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't get as far as I meant to in this section because I got a bit stuck. I can't seem to decide how explicit I am going to be with the story. Hopefully I will have it figured out soon... sorry. :/


	6. Summer '93 pt. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little bit about Dean, but not enough. Sam gets more lost in the game.

It was a strange decision but somehow it was decided to pack everyone up into a rented camper and travel to the town where Dean’s grandmother lived. She was a strange woman, the mother of the father that Dean never spoke about. She was tiny but wore her hair red like a fire engine and more makeup than a burlesque drag queen. Dean spent a few hours alone with the woman and his cousins while Kate, John, and Sam checked out the local shops, and then Kate and John disappeared for dinner and a couple of drinks, leaving the camper to all the kids. 

Truth or dare was played for a while and Sam ended up putting a whole seeded dandelion in his mouth and felt like he was spitting up seeds a week later, along with a few other childish things. Nothing really interesting came out and when Dean got a truth about his dad, he sent his cousins back in the house to go to bed and pulled Sam up into the loft. 

“They don’t know. None of them know. They don’t understand why I don’t…” Sam was curled on his side, looking at Dean looking at the roof of the camper. He wanted to reach out but he wanted to know too, and he didn’t want to break this moment and never find out what Dean was going to say. “He’s in jail for stealing and drugs, Sammy. But I…” Dean choked back something that was too close to a sob for Sam’s comfort and he couldn’t hold back any longer. He attached himself to Dean’s side, pulling at the older boy to try and get him in a place of comfort, of shelter, despite how hard it was being the smaller of the two. 

Whatever that man had done to Dean, Sam would never forgive him. He’d never let anyone tell him he was wrong to do what he needed to do for himself. He’d never push to know either. It was too hard to see Dean breaking apart like this. Dean clutched onto Sam and took a few deep breaths, getting himself back under control. 

“Do you want to play a game?” And Sam knew he wasn’t asking him to pull out Uno or something, but he wanted to escape, to be Dean the hunter, or just anyone else. And Sam nodded, because he wanted to be someone else too, someone that Dean could lean on and take comfort from, someone who could protect him.

“Who are you gonna be?” Dean asked and Sam knew that if he wanted to stay here, bundled up close to Dean he only had one option, because no way would fellow hunter Jared be snuggled up with him. He didn’t want to seem to eager though, or like it didn’t have game implications so he took a moment to really think. “Didn’t Jared go off with that werewolf girl? Where’s Dean at?”

“Laying low. Got in trouble with those cops remember?” Dean’s voice was already getting back to normal, less vulnerable. “Don’t think he’d be against company though, probably crawling up the walls.” He huffed out a laugh and Sam could feel it in his hair, just like he could feel the tension in Dean’s body, like the other boy was trying to decide if he was going to have to move away or not.

“Well. Maybe Luci was in the area, would he have called her up? Or maybe she called Jared and he told her where Dean was?”

Luci had become much more common in their games. Jimmy didn’t mind at all. He liked it actually, even made himself a couple of new characters to play, including an evil girl named Meg that he particularly liked because she gave him this really biting sense of humor. It was all fun and games but sometimes it was hard and Sam wondered what Jimmy knew. Not that there was a lot to know, but sometimes Sam was playing Jared but still controlling an imaginary Luci and Dean turned on the flirting… and Sam wondered if Jimmy thought Sam always controlled Luci from afar when Dean was like that or if he guessed that maybe that wasn’t always how it went.

Like on this weird trip in August, waiting for parents that would come home drunk and screw in the bedroom at the other end of the camper, when Dean moved away just to pretend that Luci had just arrived.

“Heard you might be looking for some company?” And Luci hadn’t quite figured out the boundary between flirting and sounding like a prostitute, but Dean just laughed and invited her in. “Jared tell you where I was? Surprised he wasn’t worried you’d bring the cops to my door.”

“Maybe he trusts me.” And Dean just grunted noncommittally, and lay back down. Luci sat next to him and looked toward a television that wasn’t actually there. “What are you watching?”

“Well I was going to watch porn but you ruined that plan.” Dean smirked at her disgusted face. “I could just go-“ “Oh come on, don’t be like that. I was just kidding. It’s… nice not to be alone.” And Dean sounded sincere and Luci, even though she wasn’t usually the sort to buy into that kind of crap from a guy, well she had a soft spot for Dean. That was why she’d gone a little out of her way to come visit him after all. And after that kiss… the one they’d shared after their last hunt together before Jared showed up… well she wasn’t against seeing if it might happen again.

“I suppose I don’t have anywhere better to be.” And she sat back down, a little closer than before and leaned up against the ‘headboard’. Dean turned on his side to look up at her, one hand propping up his head, the other reaching up to trace patterns on her knees. She laughed a bit, it tickled slightly and she rolled her eyes. “Did you just draw a devil’s trap on me?” He grinned back at her and then they were kissing.

Dean went for it when he kissed and Luci fought back before relaxing into it. The moment she did so Dean pulled back as well, pressing soft, slow kisses to Luci’s lightly parted lips. He hand his hands up in her hair, twisting his fingers up in it and Luci had hers resting on his arms, just barely moving her fingers to feel the soft t-shirt he wore.

When Dean pulled back and looked at her, Sam knew that Luci should say something, maybe something snarky to egg him on or throw him off, but he thought he was having a hard time processing it all until he realized his lips were already moving. “That all you got, Smith? Thought you were supposed to be some kind of lady-ki-” Then Luci was being pulled back into a kiss. 

Dean guided Luci into a laying down position, his hands in her hair slipping away as he let her head rest on a pillow and he held himself up above her. Taking advantage of the new position, he tilted her face just right and slid his tongue out to taste along her mouth, slipping in when she opened up for him. Luci met Dean’s tongue with her own, her hands sliding up and down his back. Their eyes slipped closed and their mouths stayed glued together, sloppily making out until the door to the camper opened and they tore apart, turning away from the opening and feigning sleep.

“Shhhhh, the boys are sleeping.” What was meant to be a whisper would have been loud in the small space, even without it actually coming out quite loud and inebriated. The door slamming shut made Sam jump and he turned toward the door, squinting his eyes at the adults. John moved forward and reached up to run his hand through Sam’s mussed hair, smoothing it down. “’Salright Sammy, go back to sleep.”

“Okay Dad. Goodnight.” Sam turned back on his side to face Dean’s back and wondered how he was supposed to sleep now. When the door to the bedroom shut, Dean turned back around, crowding back into Sammy’s space and motioning for him to be quiet. When the sound of moaning filtered through from the other room, Dean leaned in and whispered in his ear. “Well Luce, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.” And pressed their lips back together.  
\---

When the summer drew to a close it was time for Jimmy to go home. Sam was upset but Dean was taking it harder, which was strange because Dean had other friends and Sam didn’t really. Dean spent a whole day locked up in his room when he found out Jimmy’s father wanted to spend the last night with him alone, before he realized that he was wasting precious time and was all theirs for the last couple of days they had with him. 

Sam was just glad to know that Jimmy would be back next year and though he knew they wouldn’t be doing a lot of long distance calling to keep up with one another or anything, that just meant they’d have lots to talk about once next summer came along. They made lots of plans for what they would do when they were all back together and Jimmy promised to come up with some really cool plot related things that happened to him while he was gone. 

Dean Smith and Jared got into a fight about Castiel and Dean ran into Luci at a bar before he spent the night in her hotel room. John checked in on the two boys and was glad to see they were getting along, sharing Dean’s Gameboy under the sheets as though they could hide that they were up past their bedtime. He didn’t mind because it wasn’t a school night yet. When he shut the door with a pointed “good NIGHT boys,” they laughed. The laughter led to tickling, which led to kissing, which was pretty common between them now… when Sam was Luci. Later Sam would wonder how the school year was going to change things, if he would be invisible to Dean again, if they would keep playing games together… if he even wanted to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Might not be updating quite a quickly this week, my best friend is in town, but I will try to get done what I can.
> 
> Things are going to get more intense for the boys in the coming chapters, I am sorry it's taking so long to get to it.


	7. Sixth Grade pt. 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summer is over. The school year brings lots of changes for Sam: his body, his relationships...

Jimmy had to go home. School started. Sam wasn’t invisible to Dean at school anymore but they still didn’t hang out together. Sam just didn’t fit with the guy Dean was at school. Sometimes Sam wondered if he fit in with Dean at all, or if the summer had been some strange fluke engineered by luck and the catalyst of Jimmy’s friendship.

Most weekends though Dean was home. He sometimes went out to friends on Friday nights or, rarely, brought them to theirs- but he was always home Saturday night and spent all day Sunday with Sam.

Among the changes the new school year brought were dreams. Sam had always had pretty vivid nightmares- possibly from dealing with cancer-related trauma for so much of his youth (according to his counselor) – possibly because he was just an artistic soul or something. It didn’t matter much except that Sam couldn’t seem to remember any of these dreams being scary enough for him to wet the bed like a kid. It was so embarrassing that he woke up extra early just to let Dean wake up and leave so he wouldn’t notice. 

That didn’t work when it happened one Saturday night though, as Dean rolled over on Sunday morning, blanketing Sam halfway and pressing his ridiculously full lips into the crease of Sam’s shoulder. Sam was on his stomach so most of the problem was still hidden but Dean wasn’t going to let that fly for long. Even though he was freaking out, he couldn’t help but revel in this moment- this brief second of game limbo- where they were just Sam and Dean, snuggling with the sun barely getting any light into his room… and even the sticky, icky grossness in his boxers could be ignored. Until, “hey. I don’t mind being Anna today.” And although it was deflating something that had built up tight and warm in his chest- it was nice that Dean was the one taking over the hard role. Sam could just blame Jared’s uncharacteristic passivity on tiredness. Sam nodded into the pillow but didn’t turn and Dean huffed out a laugh, muttering something about having to do all the hard work.

“Morning big guy. Thanks for saving me yesterday.”

Jared made an affirming sound. Anna laughed, a breathy sound that brushed his ear and sent shivers shooting down his spine. He twitched his head away but that just caused a repeat performance, and hands (both delicate and strong somehow) began running over him, up and under his shirt, below the hem of his boxers to skim the creamy skin of his thigh. Straight to the spot that made him scrunch up and suppress very unmanly giggling. Anna giggled and kept at it, using Dean’s superior bulk to keep Jared from squirming away. 

When they lay panting a bit, recovering from the tickle fight, which Anna/Dean, unfairly immune had won. They’ve found themselves with Anna draped over Jared’s chest, her fingers tracing random unconscious patterns on him. Anna, like Dean of course, loved to touch in moments like this, completely hedonistic when it comes to pleasurable sensations, not wasting a single moment. Sam could feel that Dean’s body was enjoying this and Jared was reacting similarly until-

Anna pulled back, a grin that was pure Dean on his face and Sam suddenly realized she’d managed to work her was to fiddling with the fabric of his boxers as she said, “Did you have a nice dream? About me I hope?” And that wasn’t really what he was expecting, not was it congruent with his ideas of having scared the piss out of himself so to speak, but he didn’t think that over right then. Instead he took advantage of her new position propped above him and bolted out of bed, face hot with shame, and into the bathroom. He could still hear Dean laughing but he wasn’t sure if it was just in his head.

It was John who knocked on the door ten minutes later. At his stern tone Sam unlocked the door and although the obvious remnants of tears on Sam’s face made him uncomfortable, he was very calm and gentle with his son. “Dean told me what’s been going on.”

Sam looked at his father with some mixture of shock and dread. He and Dean had never talked about it but he knew that what was going on between them wasn’t something that they should be doing. That he would go to John, that John wasn’t furious… something wasn’t adding up.

“Look Sam, when you reach a certain age… your body starts changing.” And Sam listens, trying to understand how this conversation fit in with what was going on. His father was getting more and more mortified by the whole thing but suddenly Sam got it. This wasn’t about him and Dean, and the bed-wetting, it wasn’t bed wetting at all. All of the shame and fear slipped out of Sam and he was so relieved he interrupted his dad in the middle of a sentence to throw his arms around him. “Thanks Dad.” John is shocked but relieved, pats Sam on the back and tells him that if he has any questions to come to him and that he’ll get Sam a book about puberty when he’s out later. Sam thinks a book is a great idea because even though it’s much better than what he thought they were going to have to talk about, he probably still wasn’t going to want to go running to John with these kinds of issues.

\---

The conversation with John makes some things easier for Sam but other things harder. The fear he’d felt at his father knowing turned into guilt at keeping secrets, especially since he’d had to face the fact that he was pretty sure this was something they would get into trouble for. He dealt with it by being extra helpful around the house and staying out of trouble at school. John was gone working, and when he was home he and Kate went out a lot. It was easy to convince himself that John wouldn’t care even if he did know. He obviously knew that Dean and Sam slept together more nights than they didn’t. And maybe Sam thought that it served his father right for not paying attention, why should he tell him anything when he’s never around?

When the guilt weighed heaviest on Sam it was almost as though Dean knew. He wouldn’t push for a game; he’d just lay in bed with Sam and talk to him about things. They’d talk about their dreams or their pasts or anything at all. Dean talked about his dad. He told Sam about how his mom had left him with the man, wanting him to have a male influence or whatever. She’d taken him when the drugs and stuff got him in trouble with the law. He talked about how he hadn’t known what was happening at first. They’d had pets, and they’d been close. Dean wondered if it was even as bad as he felt because it hadn’t been ‘all the way’. He told Sam he didn’t know if he’d ever be comfortable with certain things. Sam held him, comforted him the best he could, and prayed that he never met the man because he might actually kill him.

Sam told Dean how he wanted to be a writer. How he wanted to travel. He told Dean about his mom, about how much he missed her. He told him about how at the end he’d just wanted her to die and he thought maybe it was his fault she hadn’t made it, he hadn’t been strong enough. He talked about how much pain she was in, how she didn’t know who he was and how he thought that his Dad was going to go too and leave Sam all alone. That maybe he deserved to be alone because he wasn’t good enough. Dean ran his fingers through his hair, called him Sammy, and made promises with his touch that Sam wanted to hold him to. 

\---

Sam couldn’t turn Dean away even when he wanted to. It was just impossible. What if Dean never wanted to be with him again? What if Dean was the only person who ever wanted to touch him and he messed that up? 

Even when Dean started to see a girl at school. Even when Sam knew he came to bed to Luci, replacing her with Cassie or whatever girl he was seeing at school, making it all even more disassociated from Sam… even when afterward Dean was sleeping and Sam slipped out of the room, dry-heaving and shaking from the stress of the heart-ache and jealousy… he couldn’t turn Dean away.

Sam lived for the Sundays when Dean would spend all day in bed with Sam playing video games. It wasn’t that he thought Dean was serious with any of the girls anyway. They were too young for relationships to mean anything, and Sam knew he got a lot more from Dean than those girls did. But still, Dean was the only one Sam kissed and it was hard to know that the opposite wasn’t true. 

And it wasn’t like Sam didn’t like girls. He did. But they just thought he was a goofy little nerd, great for help on homework, or maybe even talking about their problems with… but he wasn’t like Dean. Dean was confident and mysterious and flirtatious and outgoing and… just everything everyone wanted. 

\---

Dean takes more days off from school than Sam does. Kate gives him ‘mental health’ days, which are usually Monday’s after Dean is up too late Sunday night playing video games. Sometimes it’s because they were all up. If Kate and John were fighting for example. Or if they weren’t, sometimes that was just as obnoxious. It was fun the first couple of times, but Sam very quickly got tired of them coming home in the middle of the night and coming to wake the boys up for pizza or pancakes or whatever. John would teach them to juggle with oranges, and Kate would put on music that Sam didn’t know or care about and Dean would watch them amused and Sam would try not to sulk. 

Sam usually opted out of mental health days, but he could not opt out of actual sick days. His stress had been weighing on him and he’d managed to pick up strep throat from somewhere. He went to the doctor, got his two weeks of antibiotics and settled in for a long week on the couch. He was used to watching bad daytime television alone and making himself canned soup when he felt up to it. It was different having a ‘mom’ again, and he was bundled into blankets and brought popsicles. It was really nice. 

Kate sat with him too, kicking her feet up and debating mythology with him. She’d grown up religious and she had interesting ideas about things he thought might be worth putting into one of the games, or perhaps his personal stories. He felt like they were finally bonding a bit more. It was then that Sam became a confidant for her. She told him about her life before John. How hard it was on her while he was away at work. Sam just nodded, taking it all in and Kate hugged him, thanking him for ‘letting her talk that all out’. 

By the time he went back to school he was feeling much better about things. 

\---

Kate worked from the home office. She did taxes among other things, Sam wasn’t completely sure about the details. She locked the door a lot to get things done and he tried not to bother her. When John was gone she kept strange hours, sometimes she was still up in the morning when they left for school. Sometimes she was obviously just waking up when they got home from school. Sometimes she was up in the middle of the night vacuuming and Sam would watch the light move up and down the hallway from the crack underneath his door. He’d listen to her and Dean talking on the nights when Dean slept in his own room. Sometimes she’d wake Sam up and take him to the gas station and they would get ice cream and talk about things. 

John was having trouble at work. They were going to shut down the company he worked for. He wanted to start his own business but he wasn’t sure if he could get it off the ground. He was talking to people a lot about grants and prospectus and other things that Sam sort of understood but was just too busy to really try to figure out. He knew his dad would figure things out. If money got a little tighter that was fine, Sam didn’t mind eating leftovers.


	8. Summer '94

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The school year comes to a close and a new summer comes. A status quo seems to have been reached- maybe not for the best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The game is more explicitly played out in this chapter. As you have probably noticed by this point the games (for Sam at least) are not mentally healthy... so warning for that and for Dean not making out the best from this point of view.

“You want us to pretend to be mice?”  
“No, like knights and stuff…”  
So they weren’t always supernatural hunters. Sometimes the game was about the Redwall books they both read. Sometimes it was superheroes, or a band even. The characters got more and more varied. Sometimes they took the opposing roles, giving voice to villains, controlling more than one at a time… it was fun and difficult at the same time.  
Dean had joined an after school drama club, winking at Sam about all the practice he was getting in at home.  
Sam, on the other hand, sometimes wondered if he even knew who he was anymore before he knew “what game are we playing?” 

\---

The rest of the school year passed without too many changes. Sam and Dean both passed all of their classes. Sam didn’t manage a 4.0, but Kate actually seemed pleased with his two Bs and that was confusing and uplifting. John gets a new job but he calls it temporary, planning on pursuing his own business in his time off until it seems like less of a risk.

Summer comes and Jimmy with it. It is nice to have someone else in the games again although it is hard for Sam sometimes to manage the boundary lines that no longer exist between him and Dean when they are alone. It seems strange to not play out all the interaction, and there is jealousy when one of Dean’s characters is with someone who is not controlled by Sam. 

Jimmy is mellow about it all though. He doesn’t play too many extra characters and he has a fondness for the bad guy as opposed to the love interest so it works out well. 

\---

“Dude, why are all your characters names so fucking weird?”  
“As opposed to you who uses band members? Seriously, we all know Eddie is Van Halen, and Robert Plant… from Led Zeppelin? That’s Dad’s favorite band for God’s sake.”  
“Why are you always sticking up for him? What kind of a name is Misha? Maybe it’s because your names suck too. Zeke? And what douchebag did you steal the name Brady from?”  
“Whatever Dean.”  
“Quit being a bitch Sammy.”

\---

Camping is introduced this summer. Not that they go anywhere. John is too busy with attempting to get his business off the ground when he isn’t working. He does let them pull the tent out of the barn and set it up though. Three sleeping bags, endless bags of chips and 2 liter soda bottles and the boys were hardly ever in the house. It gave Kate space to work in her office, and for her and John to spend some time together when he was (rarely) home. 

Sam and Dean didn’t only sleep in the tent when Jimmy was there though, even when the siren call of a soft bed was pretty loud. It was nice out of the house, with the chill air making it reasonable to huddle together for warmth. It was easier to talk game too, easier to disassociate from the reality of their lives when they were physically away from their own space… and the ever present possibility of their parents overhearing something strange.

Not that the parents didn’t know about the games. They did. They thought the boys were creative and that it was a bit weird but it could be drugs or something so they let it go. If they knew the details though, if they knew about Luci for instance… maybe they wouldn’t be quite so comfortable with them.

\---

“Dean?”  
“Yeah?”  
“What game are we playing?” It was a reflex now. A question he asked the moment they were alone, and several times to reaffirm, or perhaps as a way to ask to switch without being too obvious. Dean seemed to understand what was necessary, or perhaps he was just a lucky guesser.

“Uh. I don’t remember. What do you want to play Sam?”  
“I… I don’t care really. Did we have anything set up for the band?”  
Dean huffed. “I think Jenn just met the drummer.”  
“Oh yeah. She’s like a groupie right? Really into the band.”  
“Really into something yeah.”  
“Alright, would you want to play that out?”  
“Sure. Did they go back to the hotel the band is staying at or are they backstage?”  
“Backstage maybe? So they don’t want to get caught?”  
“Alright.”

There was a moment for quiet and both boys moved out of their sleeping bags, sitting up and facing one another.

“Hey, what did you say your name was again?” 

“I’m Jenn. I just absolutely love you guys. Did you really write that last song y’all did tonight, Ruby?” Sam pressed his lips together, trying not to laugh at Dean’s affected southern twang. Sometimes Dean maybe went a little too far when he was trying to sell it, but whatever worked.

“Yeah! Did you like it? We were thinking about recording it for our next album but we weren’t sure about he fan reception.”

“You definitely should! I loved it!” Jenn leaned in a little closer, and Ruby mirrored her, reveling in Jenn’s obvious admiration. 

“I’ll let the guys know.” Ruby’s voice was a little quieter as the two girls leaned into each other’s space. “Or maybe… you can tell ‘em yourself.”

“Huh?”

“You could come along?” Ruby leaned back to get better eye contact and was glad she had because Jenn suddenly flailed. “Oh my goodness that would be amazing!” Then her arms were around Ruby’s neck and they were kissing, too enthusiastic, a bit sloppy but somehow wonderful anyway. Ruby blossomed under the attention, bringing her hands up to hold Jenn’s biceps around her shoulders. Jenn was moving, climbing into Ruby’s lap and straddling her but not settling in. Instead she was wiggling as though she still couldn’t contain her excitement. Ruby pulled out of the kiss, a bit breathless from all of the sudden contact and flushed with arousal too.

“Jenn. Uh, maybe we shouldn’t do this here? The cre-“ Jenn pressed her lips to Ruby to silence her. She might be the fan but she was definitely the more forceful personality of the two girls. Ruby was much more of a behind the scenes player while Jenn was a firecracker. She also apparently had a bit of an exhibitionist streak if the way that her kissing and wiggling got more intense at the reminder of their location was any indication. 

Ruby gave in when she felt fingers groping beneath her shirt, sliding up to tease over her nipples. When the kiss broke and Jenn pulled the shirt up off her she returned the favor with gusto, letting her own hands explore the newly exposed skin. Jenn was rutting down into Ruby’s lap and the angle wasn’t really doing anything for Ruby but the view and the feeling of that hot skin beneath her fingers certainly was. She moaned into a kiss and then ripped away again, moving to put her mouth to Jenn’s exposed throat, nipping over and around and not leaving marks but definitely making her feel it. 

Jenn whined and pushed Ruby down, scrabbling to her feet and shucking off her shorts. Ruby watched for a moment, dumbfounded before Jenn kicked her and she got with the program, removing her own shorts. Jenn sat back down, grinding their lower halves together with only the thin fabric of two sets of underwear between them. She put a hand on Ruby’s chest to keep her lying down and Ruby didn’t protest, loving the view of Jenn sitting astride her like a cowgirl. Jenn began to grind her hips and Ruby pressed up into the friction, wigging to get an angle that really worked for her. Her hands ran over any bit of Jenn’s skin she could get her hands on until Jenn finally threaded their fingers together. 

It wasn’t long before they had both broken out into a sweat and Jenn was biting her lips to keep in her moans. Ruby’s eyes had fallen shut with her own need for silence and both of them were chasing their release. It came suddenly for Jenn and her hips jerked erratically as she rode through it. When she was done she leaned down into Ruby’s space, breathing against her neck. It wasn’t quite enough for Ruby though, the angle had never been quite right and she squirmed underneath Jenn. Getting the picture Jenn attempted to help her out and it wasn’t long before Ruby finally finished, although it was a bit of a let down as she was feeling like a bit of a burden taking all the extra time. Jenn lay down next to Ruby for a moment, getting her bearings back. 

Ruby curled over, attempting to put an arm around the other girl but Jenn sat up. “Did you hear that? I think we need to get out of here. Maybe I’ll see you at the next show.” With a wink Jenn was climbing out of the tent. Ruby took a moment, flabbergasted by the change of pace and then made herself more presentable. Just in time too because the tent flap opened again and “Hey Rubes, you get lost? The guys and I were looking for you. We wanted to talk about your song.”

Ruby took a deep breath, fought down what wanted to be tears pressing at the back of her eyelids and the base of her throat and then nodded. “I’ll be there in a minute Dave. And it better be good news because I heard that people really liked my song. From a reliable source.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big changes in the next chapter so sorry if this seems a bit rushed or like filler. I did want people to have more of a feel for the details on what is happening but also there is a lot of time (especially from Sam's perspective) where things are somewhat monotonous. And again, sorry if Dean seems like he's getting a bad representation here.


	9. Seventh Grade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam makes a new friend and decides that the status quo isn't going to work anymore. Dean surprises him.

Sam and Dean were zoned for a new school. The administration at this new school wanted to attempt a different approach for education: focusing more on knowledge and skills, less on age and actual seat time. It would either be great or terrible. Sam and Dean began the school with a bunch of tests just like everyone else and ended up having one class together, writing skills.

It was nice to have built in time with Dean at school, and to have a friend to sit with during that class. Even though Dean had a friend group by the time the first week was over, Sam spent most of his time alone. He did follow Dean around sometimes, especially during their open campus lunch at first. It was awkward when Dean started dating again though. The girlfriends always loved Sam and never minded having him around but somehow that was worse. Part of him wanted them to think of him as a threat. So he tried to find other things to occupy his time, getting even more ahead in his classes.

\---

How-to speeches. That was the first time Sam remember noticing her. He and Dean were sitting in the back of the room commenting to one another as they filled out ‘audience review’ sheets about the effectiveness of the presentations. 

She’d brought in a soccer ball and she was demonstrating some maneuver. Dean leaned over and told Sam, “that one’s a lesbian for sure.” And Sam watched her, with her hair pulled back into a ponytail and her face still clinging to its childish roundness even as it was beginning to breakout. He agreed with Dean absentmindedly. 

\---

Sam absolutely despised his lab partner. He’d been sick the day they were picked, but it was likely he’d have disliked anyone- he’d much rather work alone. Especially since he had missed another day and come back to find out there had been a project assigned while he was out. It was due the next day and Casey hadn’t done any of it.

Casey, who was constantly away flirting with his ‘girlfriend’ Jess two tables back. Casey, who was apparently sick today. Sam was beyond irritated.

“Hey Sam?” There she was. Sam vaguely remembered that he and Dean had decided she was a lesbian. Apparently not since she was dating Casey. “Mr. Johnson said you were the one to ask for help on this stuff. My partner is out too and I had no idea we’d been assigned anything!”

Sam wanted to remain irritated. She had been nothing but an annoying distraction all year so far, but he didn’t have it in him to turn someone away. 

By the end of the class both projects were completely and Jess was practically Sam’s new best friends. They’d found out they had a ton in common and they both managed to have one another in stitches more often than not. It was amazing they were able to be as productive as they were. 

The next day Sam realized they had all their classes together. He waved at her and they shared smiles. By the end of the week they were sitting together everywhere except in writing. The week after that, the open seat and Sam and Dean’s table was filled. Jess and Dean made polite small talk but there was a strange friction between the two. Sam felt bad that it only filled him with relief; glad that Jess hadn’t decided Dean was a cooler friend to have.

\---

At school Sam and Jess were inseparable. Jess was even spending some lunches at school with Sam. Dean and Sam were still close at home but it freed something in Sam to have a new friend of his own. 

When Casey told Sam, in confidence, that he was going to break up with Jess, Sam told Jess right away. She broke up with Casey and Casey didn’t talk to Sam anymore. Already used to doing all the work, Sam didn’t care. 

\---

“So Dean’s your step-brother?”  
“Well, yeah I guess so.”  
“But you guys are close? It’s not like Cinderella?”

“No. I mean. Yeah, we’re close.” He huffed and ran a hand over his eyes. They had finished all their work and then some so they’d been released from class into the library for an extra study hall hour. They had been working on a new project idea but somehow they’d gotten off track.

“Can I tell you a secret?” Sam suddenly asked, seemingly changing the subject. And it was way too much, too soon but it had been weighing on Sam really heavily lately and he needed to tell someone. 

When Jess affirmed her willingness to keep a secret Sam realized he didn’t even know how to say it. After a long moment he finally spoke again. “Sometimes Dean and I sleep together.”

“Like in the same bed?” Jess seemed to know there had to be something more too it but she didn’t jump automatically to the right conclusion, leaving her confused and unsure.

“No. Well yes. But we… touch each other and stuff.” Jess is clearly shocked. Sam presses the palms of his hands against his eyes to keep the tears back. “Is that bad?”

Jess takes a deep breath, eyes still wide. “I… I don’t know, Sam. Is he hurting you?”

“NO!” Too loud, they are in a library. “No, nothing like that… I mean, we’re just messing around… it’s nothing really, forget it.” 

Something about how Sam says it makes her believe him or, more likely, feel bad enough to give hi a break. “Okay Sam.”

\---

It’s a short break from school. John is out of town working what might be a breakthrough contract for his business. Kate is letting the boys redecorate their rooms. Sam’s painting is sloppy and uneven so mostly he keeps Dean company while the older boy pains. Dean’s room is done already and they are working on Sam’s.

Ever since Sam told Jess, everything had been weighing on him. Dean wasn’t hurting him… not physically and he probably didn’t know how much he actually was hurting him mentally and emotionally. Sam was in the bathroom trying to figure out how to tell Dean the games had to stop. He was crying. When he was all cried out eh washed his face and hands, steeling himself for what he had to do.

He walked into the room. Dean was in paint spattered wife-beater and shorts, sweating as he painted the ceiling. Sam hopped on top of the plastic covered desk, which was the only furniture in the room and took a deep breath. The radio was on and he’d have to get up and turn it down before he spoke but he wanted to take a minute to just watch Dean before he probably ruined everything. Dean beat him to the punch though. He put his roller down and turned the music down but only slightly like he was worried he might be overheard. If it was game related it might be the perfect transition for Sam- if not it might be important and Sam would just hope he wouldn’t lose his nerve in the meantime. 

“Hey Sammy?”  
“Yeah Dean?” Dean approached but not too close. He looked vulnerable. Sam was worried.

“I know we don’t really talk about it and stuff but…” He was scratching his neck, displaying nervous traits like Sam was some hot girl, but Sam was just Sam right now so what was going on? “ Well, you know I love you right?”

There was a moment of stillness and shock before suddenly Sam was crying again. He thought he had gotten it out in the bathroom but this was just so unexpected. “Shit Sammy.” Then Dean’s arms were around him.

Sam was babbling through his tears into Dean’s shoulder. “What? Sam, baby, I can’t understand you.” Sam gasped a few breaths, trying to calm down. “I didn’t know.” He managed to get that out before the tears over whelmed him again.

“Oh Sammy. Fuck I’m so sorry.” His hands attempted to sooth Sam by running up and down his back and making circles like Sam remembered his mother doing when he was sick as a child. It helped and he began to shake and sob less. When he was mostly settled Dean pulled back to look him in the face. Sam spoke first.

“Did you mean it?”  
“Yes.”  
“Will you say it again?”  
“I love you, Sam.” Sam took a deep breath and then he kissed Dean and pressed up against him everywhere he could. He knew that he had been meaning to end it but that was because he couldn’t stand not knowing where they stood with each other or thinking that Dean was just using him because he was there not caring if it was Sam or just anybody. This fixed that. 

Dean chuckled, glad the meltdown was over. Sam pressed kisses to Dean’s throat and up to his ear where he whispered, “I love you too, Dean.”

The kissing might have led to more but they both heard the sound of feet on the stairs and sprung apart, just it time for Kate to open the door. “It’s looking good in here Dean.”

She looked around a few moments before handing Dean some money. “This for you two to order a pizza. I’m driving up to join John. I’m sure you can handle yourselves?” The boys nodded. “You can sleep in our room Sam so you don’t have to deal with the paint smell or the couch. You both be good and call Bobby if you are going to leave the house for anything.” The boys agreed to the terms and escorted Kate to the door, giving out hugs and waving goodbye to the retreating taillights. 

When she was gone Sam did a little happy dance and Dean laughed at him before turning to go back downstairs. Sam went to follow but Dean stopped him with a hand to the chest. “No Sam. You’re too distracting right now. Let me get this done and then we can… talk.” 

Sam flushed at the heat and promise in Dean’s words and eyes. They had the whole house to themselves for the night if not more and Dean loved him, couldn’t concentrate with him around. He was practically walking on air. “Alright. I’ll go clean and order pizza.” Dean nodded and they went their separate ways.


	10. Catalyst

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time flies when you are having fun. A lot of time goes by in this chapter, a new character arrives and upsets Sam's little world, and Dean is a Winchester now...

After Dean was done painting he took a shower. Sam heard the water go on and called for the pizza. He’d finished all the cleaning upstairs, including picking up all the laundry in their parents’ room so he could do a load later. He even made up the bed with different sheets knowing he’d have to wash that set the next day as well. He figured it was worth it, and easy enough to explain if the parents asked.

Dean was dressed in another white tank and a pair of low hanging camouflage printed pajama bottoms when he came upstairs. Sam, sweaty from cleaning and suddenly shy. handed off the money for the pizza and rushed off to take his own shower. He started the washer when he got out and snagged one of Dean’s cast-off, too small Metallica t-shirts to pair with some of his own plaid pajama bottoms. He normally just wore boxers because he got hot easily but he was feeling a little weird about his stick thin, too long legs- pale from winter jean wearing. 

The pizza smelled really good but Sam’s stomach was in knots. Dean was propped against the headboard in the master bedroom, a slice of pizza on a paper plate in his lap, watching something on the TV. Sam stated for a moment, caught by how much –this- was exactly what he wanted. Sure, he was young but that didn’t mean he didn’t know. Plenty of people got together young and stayed forever. 

Dean turned and caught Sam staring. He grinned and set his plate on the side table, motioning Sam in. “Not hungry for dinner?”

Sam climbed onto the bed, unsure. He didn’t have Jared or Luci’s confidence, Ruby’s subtle allure- none of his facades to hide behind. Dean had said he loved –Sam- but would he still mean that when that’s all he was faced with?

Dean just waited on the bed, grinning at him. “Nice shirt Sammy.” 

Sam flushed.

\---

It was different being Sam at first, but then it was the same. Or, Dean was the same. Sam definitely wanted to try more, but he found out that Dean had limits. Limits related to those things Dean talked about in the night sometimes when he couldn’t sleep. Limits like “no, not that, that was his favorite thing.” And “sorry Sammy, I just… I can’t…” Sam didn’t mind. He hoped that someday those things wouldn’t haunt Dean but he didn’t care if that meant they didn’t do certain things.

He also didn’t mind bringing the games back in. They were fun, and it was nice not to be Sam all the time. Especially when things at school were stressful or things at home were strange. Kate spent more time locked in her office and John’s business was getting off the ground when the both of them weren’t out together… so there was a lot of time to fill. 

School ended. Sam and Jess received a lot of awards and achievements but Jess was already away and her parent’s summer retreat so Sam had to pick them up alone. The summer came and there was even more time than before to fill. Dean took up baseball and Sam went to most of the practices but spent his time writing away in his notebook to his father’s irritation.

Jimmy came back late and didn’t stay as long as usual because his dad was busy. The three of them filled every minute they could together.

\---

“Sam Winchester? Do you have any objections to this adoption?” The judge looked at Sam who was sitting alone near the back of the courtroom. He hadn’t thought that his input was necessary in this. Dean had decided to let John adopt him. John had talked it over with Sam and it all seemed to make sense. Dean didn’t want anything to do with his biological father and if something happened to Kate, he would rather be with John and Sam than with Kate’s family. Once it had been talked about Dean started calling John ‘Dad’ on a regular basis and nothing much else changed.

“Dean Winchester. Sounds good right?” Sam had worried it would change things between them but he didn’t want to deny this to Dean. He wanted Dean to be family, but he didn’t want to lose what they had together. Dean had solved the problem when he kissed Sam after Sam reluctantly nodded. It had sounded good, and with Dean’s lips on his, it sounded perfect.

The judge had gone over everything and Sam hadn’t much paid attention. All the paperwork was fine and everything was going to go through for sure. He hadn’t even wanted to come but his Dad said it would make them all look like a united front. Sam looked up at the judge, wondering what he would do if he did object. “No, sir, I mean, your honor.”

“Alright then.” And more paperwork was handed out. Dean would get all new documentation as a Winchester.

\---

John and Kate were both generous people in their way, and they had no problem with helping out someone in need. This meant that on any given night that they went to the bar, Sam and Dean might go upstairs the next morning and find someone sleeping on the couch. It was annoying, but tolerable. 

Sometimes it was longer than one drunken night though. A friend of Kate was helping Kate work through the paperwork side of John’s new business, writing up grant proposals and bids, etc. She was also leaving an abusive boyfriend and taking her son from her grandmother’s house to live with her. She didn’t have a home though, so she, and her son, would be living on the Winchester’s couch.

They settled in for the last few weeks of summer. The son was Dean’s age and called Benny. Sam was not a fan, but he knew that some of that was jealousy so he tried not to act on it too much. 

When school started again Jess was not a fan either but when Benny had a class with them she was polite and funny, her usual public persona. Sam was also helpful and welcoming, as much as possible. Benny made other friends quickly though, weird people that Sam knew his father would not approve of. It wasn’t Sam’s place to say anything though so he didn’t. Even when Dean started to spend some time with them too.

\---

“Sam. Benny wants to see us kiss.”  
“WHAT?”  
“He wants to see us kiss. He thinks I made it all up.”  
“YOU TOLD HIM?”  
“Yeah. It’s alright, Benny is cool. He’s totally okay with everything. He and I kissed in front of his new girlfriend; you know that one with the nose piecing? She thought it was really hot.”  
“You kissed Benny?”  
“Yeah. It didn’t mean anything Sammy. Like when I kiss those girls at school and stuff.”  
“Right.”  
“So you’ll do it?”  
“I don’t know Dean… don’t you think it’s kind of weird?”  
“It’s just to prove a point Sam. It’ll be fine.”

Sam had a hard time denying Dean anything after he asked for it enough. That and he thought it might be like staking a claim a bit, show Benny that Dean wasn’t someone that he needed to be making a move for, not if he was going to pretend to be Sam’s friend too. So he gave in.

“Aw man, that was barely a kiss.” Sam was really uncomfortable with Benny watching but he didn’t resist when Dean pulled him in again.

When Dean let go of him and Benny just raised his eyebrows and said, “let me show y’all how it’s really done” before kissing Dean? Sam left. 

\---

Benny and his mom got a place in the next town. Benny switched schools. Sam was relieved for the most part, except that now when Dean went to hang out with Benny he usually wasn’t around to supervise, and Benny’s nose-ring girl broke up with him too so he was a free agent.

Benny and Dean went ‘trolling for chicks’. Ordered porn on Benny’s mom’s cable box. Drank wine coolers and smoked cigarettes stolen from Benny’s mom’s purse. These were the things Sam saw himself when he was there.

Sometimes Dean and Benny were even there without an adult but Sam told John what was happening, because he was actually worried when he overheard them talking about having older people, male and female, over and that was ended. Kate apparently thought Sam was just being a little brat though and so she and Benny’s mom often both stayed out with the boys. Sam didn’t think the situation was that much better. 

One night Dean and Sam had plans. Dean had been trying to make up for his behavior and had promised some time with him but Benny’s mom and Kate had apparently decided the boys were going to go to Benny’s instead. Without Sam. 

Sam knew he was overreacting but he didn’t care. He told Dean to go, whatever, and climbed into the bathtub to have a good cry. There wasn’t any water, and he was wearing his clothes but it didn’t matter any. 

Benny wasn’t thrilled when Dean was considering staying with Sam, but Dean eventually left and Sam figured a few days cooling off and everything would be back to normal.

He was wrong.


	11. Weekend of Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Kate find out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is super hard on me but there is nothing excessively explicit. There are mentions of off screen child abuse- Dean's father- and there are discipline choices that maybe are not the best example of good parenting. This is a sad chapter for our narrator though so if you have a hard time with that, I apologize.

It was the middle of the day the next Thursday when Sam found out that everything had gone wrong. Dean had stayed home for a mental health day with his mom but he came into the school at lunchtime and found Sam and Jess in the library working. He looked like he’d been crying.

“What’s wrong Dean?” Jess had spotted him first and then Sam was standing, his heart pounding as he tried to figure out what was wrong. Dean just shook his head.

“C’mon Sam. We’re leaving.” Sam gathered his stuff immediately, able to tell that Dean was very serious. Jess looked like she was going to object but Sam just shook his head at her and followed Dean out.

They were almost to the door when Dean finally spoke to him. “They know.” It shouldn’t have made any sense at all. It should have made him wonder, two words shouldn’t be able to say so much. But they did. Maybe because they’d been waiting for it in some way, part of them had known it couldn’t be a secret forever. Sam wondered how they found out, did they see or hear them, had they been putting it together for a while and suddenly they decided to confront them?

Kate was driving the truck and she didn’t look at either of them as they got in, Sam climbing into the back. He wanted to reach over the seat and grip onto Dean, to support him and get support but he was afraid to even move at all, let alone to make a move toward Dean.

John was there when they got home. He was sitting in the living room surrounded by papers. He had Dean and Sam sit on the fireplace hearth, directly across from them and Sam realized the papers were his. They were ripped from his notebooks, scattered pages of stories, thoughts, characters, ideas, everything. John was reading all of it.

“Kate is cleaning out your rooms.” And Sam could hear it, the sound of trash bags. He didn’t know what to think. “She’s starting with yours Sam because that’s where you boy’s seem to spend most of your time.” Sam didn’t know if he was supposed to try and look innocent at this point or just resigned. He couldn’t really manage anything either way because his heart felt like it was going to pound right out of his chest.

“I can’t fucking believe this shit.” Sam wasn’t sure if John meant them to hear that as his hand was rubbing over his face. Kate came upstairs and said she was done with Sam’s room and she would do Dean’s later. She took Dean with her into her office.

“What is all this Sam? Stories and stuff I understood. Your mother was into all that fantasy crap too but…” He tossed around some pages, looking for something in particular and when he found it he just got more and more mad as he looked at it. Sam wondered what it was. 

“You never even say my name.” He said it mockingly; angry and cold in a way that Sam had never experienced his father before. Sam remembered that entry. It was before Dean said he loved him, before Sam became a full entity in their ‘nighttime’ activities. John must have been reading something else into it though as he stepped forward, leaning in to shout Sam’s name in his ear. “You fucking hear me there SAM?” Sam was frozen except that he was also shaking. It was terrifying. His father had disciplined him of course but he could count on one hand the times John had been physical with him. This was terrifying because Sam had no idea what John would do.

“And this… this fucking shit. Think your life is so hard Sam? Think I’m a fucking drunk who’s gonna leave you? I’m still fucking here aren’t I? More than I had for fucking sure..” John was pacing and throwing papers around. Sam saw the poem he’d written about the night John and driven away after his fighting with Kate. He saw all of his work and his thoughts strewn about before him.

John told him to stay where he was and then he left the room. After a while, Sam and Dean switched. Sam had no idea what Dean and John talked about. Sam was given a book of mythology, Greek origin stories. Kate wanted to talk about incest and how it wasn’t okay, all the bad things that came of it. Sam thought, how was this incest, there was no blood between them? Kate talked about child abuse, showed him articles she’d gotten from the library or something. Dean and Sam were both children, this wasn’t some uncle taking advantage, this wasn’t like any of that. They weren’t hurting each other; they were making life better! But Sam couldn’t speak and he just nodded dumbly to everything even, “do you understand what I’m saying Sam?” Even when he didn’t at all.

They went to bed at some point. Sam went to his room and almost everything was gone. John had said that they wanted to read through his books to make sure they were age appropriate and weren’t giving him the wrong ideas. He wasn’t to have any drawers where he could hide things they didn’t want him to have. He would have to hang all his clothes and he could put his socks and boxers in a basket that would be checked regularly. 

Dean’s room didn’t have any books either but it didn’t really look much different. Dean slept upstairs in the master bedroom with his mother. John slept on the couch even though it wasn’t good for his back, and yelled at Sam when he came up in the night for a glass of water.

Sam ate a piece of toast for breakfast because it was all he could keep down. He and Dean were directed back to the fireplace. They sat on the hard stone until Sam thought his ass was going to fall off but he couldn’t bring himself to turn to check the time. He and Dean didn’t look at one another by some silent mutual agreement just figuring it would just make everything worse.

They were sent back and forth a couple more times. Kate was the same every time, talking morality with Sam and mostly just confusing him. He couldn’t really even manage looking at her he felt so awful. John wasn’t yelling anymore and all of Sam’s papers were gone. A few were stacked neatly in a folder on the table, obviously the ones they thought were appropriate for him to keep. He didn’t really care. 

Dean and Kate went into the bedroom instead of her office. Sam thought he could hear Dean crying. After awhile, Dean went to his room and John and Kate went to the office to talk. Sam sat on the fireplace hearth and wondered what was going on.

John came out looking like he’d aged ten years and sat back down on the couch. Kate went into her office and Sam heard the click of the lock.

“So apparently you’ve been keeping more than one secret Sam.” Sam was honestly confused by this. All of Sam’s secrets were in some way related to this situation so he didn’t really understand how they could know and yet still find something new. His confusion must have been obvious because John continued.

“Dean told his mother about his father.” Sam’s face must have also shown dawning comprehension. “Ah. So you did know.” Yes Sam knew, but that wasn’t Sam’s secret. He wasn’t going to tell unless Dean wanted him to. Dean wasn’t currently being hurt, there was nothing anyone could do about it unless Dean wanted to talk about it and it wasn’t Sam’s decision to make him.

“So. Dean expresses a vulnerability to you. And you decided to take advantage of it. Keep a secret for him but get something out of it for yourself.” Sam’s heart might actually stop at this. Was his father telling him that he and Kate thought that Sam was... what, blackmailing Dean into having sex with him?! 

“Is that what happened Sam?” John is stern and Sam can’t tell what he’s thinking. Sam doesn’t know that he wants to know what John is thinking if this is a possibility. John thinks his son was blackmailing an abuse victim for sex. John thinks his son is some sort of monster. 

“No.” Sam’s voice is hardly a whisper and he is amazed it got out that much past all of the tears building up in his throat. Is this was Dean told his mother? Did he tell him that Sam was raping him? John leans forward. He doesn’t seem a forbidding this way. “Sam. Tell me what is going on.”

“Dean didn’t tell me about that until it was already happening. And I didn’t think it was my secret to tell so I didn’t. I never said he had to do anything for me to keep it. I didn’t know he’d never told his mom before I just assumed she knew…” Sam was crying and John was nodding like he believed him. 

“It’s alright Sam. It’s good that we cleared that up. I’ll be back out soon okay?” Sam nodded but he couldn’t stop crying. He wrapped his arms around himself and curled up as small as he could without falling off the hearth. He couldn’t believe that John had considered it for even a moment. He obviously thought Sam was capable of being a really awful person. Sam didn’t know how he could have given the impression of being able to even consider something like what they had suggested.

Sam was tired, he felt like he’d been put through the wringer. John came out of the office and gestured for Sam to follow him down to the den. He gathered up Dean from his room as well. John sat in an office chair that had migrated into the room for storage; the two boys sat by his feet.

“I think we’ve got the general idea of what is going on here and what we’re going to do, but first I have one more question. Why? Why did this happen boys?” He looked to Dean first and Sam glanced over as well, figuring it was alright now they were all talking together.

“I… I was just curious and stuff. Wanted to know what it would be like with someone else and Sam was… there.” The pieces of Sam’s heart that had not shattered at the thought that his only real family considered him capable of rape now broke. Dean wouldn’t look at him and he knew he was crying again. He turned back to face his father. John was looking back at him and he didn’t seem scary like he had the day before, he just looked tired and like his dad. “Sam?”

“He… he said he l-loved me.” And Sam couldn’t get out more than that. John opened up his arms and Sam threw himself into them. John must have dismissed Dean somehow because he heard the other boy leave but he didn’t care. His heart was broken. Dean had been using him and everyone had thought he was using Dean and the whole situation was just too much. John was trying to soothe him and it took a while but it began to work.

He brought Sam upstairs and let him sleep on the couch, running his big fingers through Sam’s hair in a way that always comforted the boy. When Sam woke up there was pizza and Kate and Dean were sitting at the table. Dean barely glanced at Sam before he went downstairs to his room.

“You just miss your mom a lot don’t you kiddo?” Kate asked and she looked so friendly, so unlike the scary woman who had went on and on about incest and picked them up from school without a single word. “I know it’s not the same but I am here for you okay?” And she ran her hand through his hair too, scratching a little with her nails and he nodded up at her, willing to take comfort from anywhere at this point.

Kate went to her office and Sam and John ate on the couch, not really talking about much. “Would you ever have considered boys, Sam?”

Sam wasn’t really following what his father was asking him. He was worn out completely by the events of the last couple of days, all the crying and the yelling and just all of it. “Do you think you are gay Sam?” John finally clarified, but it was a quiet voice, pained.

Sam didn’t know. He thought about Dean and that was too hard so he stopped. He thought about girls and how he’d liked some, how he sometimes thought maybe Jess… maybe… He’d never really thought much about other boys but he’d had Dean and that would have felt like cheating or something. He wondered what John wanted to hear, what would help. “I don’t know Dad. I mean… no? I do like girls and stuff…” John nodded, thinking over what Sam said and grabbed another piece of pizza. After a moment he leaned over and ruffled Sam’s hair. Maybe their relationship would make it through okay.

Dean and Sam were not allowed to be in a room together with the door shut. Something happened with the teachers at the school and Dean switched. Kate was angry that John let Sam stay (after a weekend of listening to Jess cry on the phone Sam was relieved) and she wouldn’t let Sam talk about school at all. It wasn’t much different than before when she didn’t really acknowledge his accomplishments, but it was hard sometimes when he wanted to tell a story and he had to wait until he was away from her. John was working a lot so he couldn’t tell his father very often. Sam started to get quieter, going over to see his Uncle Bobby when he couldn’t keep it in anymore. He never wrote anymore either. It just felt like it wasn’t safe, that his words were no long his own private property. 

Jess was Sam’s only friend. His light in the dark tunnel that had become his life. They began to ‘date’ and although they never did anything it seemed to make John happy at least. When Jess’ parents invited Sam to go on vacation with them, Sam was sure his father would say no, but he surprised him with a yes and even gave him some money. Sam figured that John thought being with a girl was worth the risk of accidental pregnancy or whatever if it meant Sam was with a girl. He didn’t care too much why though, he was just glad to go.

\---

Sam and Dean hadn’t talked much after but almost immediately there had been one short statement, much like the “they know” he’d gotten at the school. “Benny told.” Sam was livid. Dean was apparently livid too because he did not spend near as much time with Benny as before, going back to his old friends. 

Later, before Benny moved back to his grandmother’s, Sam and Benny were sitting in the summer sunshine together, alone by happenstance. “I was worried about you. That’s why I did it. I didn’t think Dean was as serious as I knew you were when I saw you in that bathtub.”

Sam didn’t know if he believed that. He figured it was jealousy really but it didn’t matter then. It had happened and something would have happened at some point surely. So, when Benny asked if Sam would ever forgive him Sam said, “I already have.” And it was true.

At that point Sam was already used to accepting answers he wasn’t sure he believed: like “I was tired, Sam. I would have said anything to get it over with.” and “I just said what I thought he wanted to hear Sam, you know that.”


	12. Plateau

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lots of time passes in this chapter and in the next. There is a lot going on in the background but Sammy is maybe not paying as much attention as he should be. Things will be coming to an end soon.

Sometimes Sam wrote at school. Not just his schoolwork but also a little poem or a scribble of an idea. He left it in his notebooks though, never continued them on, never polished them up. He didn’t write at home though. His journals, what was left of them, sat untouched on the shelves… his papers neat and organized, scholarly.

The radio on the alarm clock woke him up every morning but he didn’t turn it on otherwise. 

Most nights Sam cooked dinner for everyone. He and Dean had rotating chore schedules that they followed pretty closely. There was no reason not to get it done. No reason to risk getting into trouble. 

After dinner most nights Sam just went to bed. 

Dean was gone almost every weekend during the school year and during the summer Sam spent every minute he could with Jess.

There were days when John wasn’t working, when they weren’t drinking, when the boys were both home. No one ever brought up the awkward tension in the house. Everyone seemed happy and carefree but Sam felt oppressed by the knowledge that he couldn’t get out of his head. 

After awhile though it was just normal. It was normal to leave doors open all the time. It was normal for one of the adults to always be home unless one of the boys was gone. Sam was quieter but fine.

Jess and Sam signed up for all their classes together. The days, weeks, months… everything went by without too much to distinguish it all. Jess and Sam ‘broke up’ but it was mutual. Jess was pretty private about some things and Sam wasn’t ready to jump all in again. He still loved Dean even though he wasn’t sure if that was at all how he should be feeling. He also knew he could love Jessica but that they were just too young for all that.

\---

John’s home business went under. It was a combination of the economy and other factors that didn’t really get discussed in detail with the boys. It meant that John had to look for another job though and then he was travelling almost constantly. He’d been working hard before but there were new debts from the business fall out, as well as the weight of failure resting on John’s patience and mood. 

Kate started to go out more frequently even when John was gone. Or she started to lock herself in her office (now downstairs so the boys were on different floors) with clients more doing taxes or whatever it was she did. She even slept in there sometimes, curling up on the carpet beneath her desk. She didn’t even care that the boys were both home sometimes now that she was leaving them unsupervised together.

\---

Sam switched schools. He told Uncle Bobby, who was concerned by the decision as Sam seemed to be thriving under the alternative approach, that he wanted to be more involved in the extracurriculars which weren’t available, that he wanted some of the traditional ‘high school experience’. This was before Sam stopped talking to Bobby after John informed the boys that ‘what happens in these four walls stays in these four walls’. Apparently Bobby had been expressing concerns about things and John had not liked it. He didn’t explicitly tell Sam to stop talking to the man, but Sam was tired of having to censor himself for fear that something might make it’s way back across the street.

As a tenth grader, Sam rode the bus with Dean in the morning. They sat together, silent, half asleep. 

Sam didn’t make any friends. All of his classes were honors courses and he still managed to mess up the curve. He spent his lunches in whichever of his classrooms the teacher was available. He always had a partner for group projects because everyone knew he was a guaranteed A grade, but otherwise he was alone. In contrast, he could speak freely at home now, but there was no one there to speak to anyway.

\---

Sam came upstairs after he heard Kate leave. It was a Friday night and his father was out of town. There was pizza on the table and he headed toward it, hardly noticing anything else. “Heya Sammy.” He looked over and saw Dean in the recliner. His jeans were worn in and there was a tear on the inside of his left thigh, obvious because of the way Dean carelessly sprawled out. He had a wife beater on and it clung too tightly, riding up a bit on his tummy. Dean was sixteen and beautiful and Sam was fourteen and unable to not react. Sure, he’d seen Dean practically every day in the interim but somehow the oppressive weight of everything had made gray the whole world around him. Today, for whatever reason, Dean was in full color.

Sam froze, hand still in the pizza box but not sure if he should eat or flee. “Hey Dean.” It was a normal conversation but something about Sam’s tone must have given him away because Dean tilted his head away from the late night anime he was watching and toward Sam. The green in Dean’s eyes seemed dark and Sam flushed and tried to focus on the food. Dean chuckled. 

Sam stood in the dining room eating his pizza without a plate and tried not to notice every minute twitch of Dean’s body. Especially when he seemed to get suddenly uncomfortable and had to wiggle around and resituate, or when he tapped his foot unconsciously and the old recliner moved rhythmically with him, squeaking just slightly. 

Dean’s show ended and he stood up, stretching his arms up, his back cracking and his shirt rising. Sam looked away as soon as he could force himself to. Heading toward the TV, Sam thought he might shut it off, head to bed, but instead Dean pulled out the PlayStation that he’d gotten for Christmas and began unwinding remotes. “It’s been forever Sammy, d’ya wanna play a game?” 

Sam’s reaction to the question was visceral; a sudden thrumming of all his blood and bones like a damn symphony had just begun to play and Dean was conducting. It was ridiculous. If Dean heard the breath that Sam almost choked on he didn’t react, and Sam took a moment to steady himself. Dean wanted to play video games. It wasn’t anything.

After several losses Dean tackled Sam down, laying his bulkier body over his and tickling him. It was eerie that they would lead into it the exact same way as before. Sam knew that he had time to stop it, that he probably should even, but he couldn’t bring himself to. When Dean stopped, bracing himself above Sam and caught the younger boy’s eyes, Sam just looked back up at him, passing, willing. Dean brought their lips together softly, gently, slowly, and it was all the reasons why Sam had thought they were in love. And he wanted to believe in that moment that it was John that Dean had lied to not Sam. 

\---

“Who is that?” Jess asked, her tone saying more about her opinion than a whole novel could have, even without glancing at the horrified look on her face. Sam looked up, unsure whom she was talking about. His face became stony once he noticed though and he looked back down at the notebook they had been doodling on. 

‘That’s Nick Munroe or whatever. Dean’s boyfriend.’ He wrote on the paper, ignoring the way the pen bled through with the pressure he was using. Jess read over his shoulder and gasped her shock. He just nodded and flipped the page over as Dean and Nick approached.

“What did I miss?” Jimmy said, sliding into the seat on the other side of Sam just as Dean and Nick reached the table.

“I was just about to introduce everyone to Nick, my boyfriend.” Sam rolled his eyes but looked up when Jess placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, or maybe when Jimmy kicked him under the table and made a confused look in his direction.

“Hey Nick.” Sam said, lackluster. Nick didn’t seem to care though, too busy trying to convince Dean that he just had to try this cake they were offering at the counter. Jess and Jimmy’s greetings were friendlier and the couple walked off to get drinks and food.

“Do you not like Dean being bisexual?” Jimmy asked and Sam choked on something that might have been a laugh but carried a weight of sadness. Jess rubbed his back and he looked at her gratefully. She knew about the past at least, and though she didn’t know that it had started back up, at least she could be somewhat understanding. 

“It’s not that Jimmy. I guess I just didn’t think that was the kind of guy that Dean would go for.”  
“You’re jealous.”  
“WHAT?”  
“Of Dean’s time. Now that you have gotten over your fight, about time on that by the way, you don’t want to have to share his time. It’s understandable.”  
“Yeah, sure Jimmy.”

\---

“C’mon Sammy. You know that it doesn’t mean anything. I just wanted to piss off the parents.” 

It didn’t matter what Dean said though, Sam kept brushing Dean off. There was a voice in his head that just kept repeating that he’d been convenient and while it had been quieted for a while, it was loud and clear while Dean was with Nick. Not that Sam thought Dean loved Nick or anything, but it certainly showed that Dean wasn’t just dating to keep the secret of his sexuality.

“It keeps the spotlight off us too. Especially with how pissy you’ve been acting lately.”

\---

“No Dean…” Sam was barely even awake when he felt Dean climbing into his bed and he attempted to push the other boy out before he remembered, Dean wasn’t even supposed to be there. He was supposed to be out camping with Nick. “Dean?”

“We broke up Sam. We broke up because he didn’t understand why I didn’t want to…” Sam rolled over and pulled Dean into his arms, running his long fingers through the older boy’s hair and feeling terrible for having tried to send him away for even a moment. “He just kept pushing and…” 

“Sshhh Dean… you’re home now… you’re safe…”


End file.
